fat and eat..realise how co-related they are??even the way they are spelled..f AT e AT whereby 'e' comes before 'f' in alphebatical order..in which the similar process..E at too MUCH become F at..sigh..im bored..im restless..i dno wad to do with all the time in my hands..time doesnt stop to wait..but im stopping to wait for time to stop to wait for me..u must think im very silly then huh..cause tht will only cause the gap btwn to me and time to become more gappy..yarh..but do u realise when u die..time stops??ur time stops..meaning..even if u were to not do anything untill the day u die..if u were to wait for time to wait for u..not rushing to keep up with it..u eventually will become on parr with time..how nice..u dnt have to do all tht rushhing and crying and stressing..and everything!!!!eventually..u will be on parr with time..the day u die..so ive decided..im gona wait here and wait for time to race against itself..in te end..there'll be no winner btwn the both of us..we will be on parr!!!!!!!!yay!!!but who wants o share the same spot with another when it comes to be determining the winner??noone..so ive made another decision..to race with time..so toodles for now..im starting my race to close the gap btwn my fren time and i..
before i do tht..i want to say something..i seem to be akin to death..ive been experiencing death..by tht i dnt mean ive been dieing in the real sense of the wrd..ahh wtv..so if u dnt wana die..dnt come near me..cause life is just a game..lets go take the 10 m leap..and test the outer limits..
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Sunday, February 29, 2004
so bored!!!!!!!!!there is literally nothing to do..beginning to regret skipping ballet today..but then again maybe not..dnt wana study..but im seriously fretting for o's..chi o's esp..ahhh..i feel so lost mann..like..no reassurance no crap..when have i ever felt like this towards exams??ahh..good ques..then why am i going so crazy????!?!?!?!?!?another week of exhilration..
am i gona waste away..i feel quite certain i might just blow my os..i dnt want!!!!!!!!ahhhhhh..but i dnt have the motivation to study..darn..i should have been allowed to stay..and watched our seniors collect their results..then i'll get to see those who cry..and then i'll freak..studystudystudy..
hmmmnn..im wondering..why am i feeling miserable..i thought i had it all sorted out already??then why??wei so mo..shitified..im certain ive put on a ton..ahh..dnt kno wad else to say..
toodles..gonna hit the sack..
byeeeeee
nightynight
God bless
\van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Saturday, February 28, 2004
go 4/6 go 4/6 gogogo 4/6...gold 4/6 gold 4/6 gold gold GOLD 4/6!!!!!!!!!AHHH AHH AHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
we came in first first first..nehninehnibooboo!!!!!the top thre were clinched by the three best classes in sec 4..in running order..4/4..4/5 4/6..yay!!but then again..we got first and who cares abt sec or third..hah..okayy..congradulations!!!ahh...but then again..am i really happy..
pple say all tht matters is tht we got in first..but wad mattered more was i couldnt give it all i had..and my knee had to start hurting in the wee morning..providing much hindrance..i should just amputate my leg larh..i dno..since rgym..all the coms and all..its been hurting bad..sighh..is it really all tht matters??the win??to me it isnt..how can i afford to be really happy when i almost caused the class to lose..my classmate who passed it to me was slower than the next class..so of cause she would have the headstart..but just by tht bit..if i was in my tipp condition..of cause i would have been able to tip sarah tham but all i managed was to get in parr with her..or maybe a cm behind her..but if i had not been such an ass..worrying my butt off..neglecting my knee..i guess..i would have been in top shape..but i wasnt..if not we could have trashed all of them making them embarrassed to even stand nxt to us..we did trash them..but we could have trashed them even more..but..ohh well..i guess when u win..u wana win with ur best..and not wad u could only give then..alas..i shall rejoice with my fellow team mates in victory..and wallow in my own sorrow for my failure..hah!!
4/6 rocks!!!!be it academics..sports..performances..or anything else..in fact i dont remember a time tht we took part in a competition as a class ever losing..yayayayyayay!!!!4e6 rocks all the wayy!!!!!cheers~
i happen to think i am missing u..but i cant add the "too" since i guess u'll never be missing me..ooh well..ulkkkk!!!
"are u really afraid of being lonely??but does it mean being ard means not being lonely..ive experienced lonely millions of times..but im never afraid of being lonely..because..ultimately..u never really are lonely..cause Jesus will always be standing there right next to you..u dnt have to do shitty things to etertain Jesus..u dnt have to be a fool or clown for Jesus for tht matter..all uve gotta do is love Him with ur heart.."
its funny how before the race..i was so reliant on God..thrusting my worries and anxiety and my teammates to Him..asking for His divine protection..but at the end of it all..i didnt remember to thank Him for our victory..only now..it is nice knowing tht God was right there all along..prolly holding me and running with all of us..but i forgot how to thank Him..im sorry Lord..i give it all to You now..without You we are nothing..but with You we are everything..thanks Lord..sweet victory is urs..but take away the pain im feeling for not being able to perform my best..take it all..thanks..
it wasnt exactly nice leading this team..but i know i'll miss it..uve put in ur best..i know tht..and i thank u all for giving ur best shot..
to all our supporters..thank you too..although i really really really din hear anything despite running so close to u all..i kno u all were cheering..thanks!!!!!
ahhhh!!!!victory is so so sweet..and the rancid taste of my failure on my part is starting to fade..cheers again to 4e6 2004..
im feeling empty now..i dno why..i think cos theres nothing for me to think abt anymore..nothing for my mind to churn with..so sad..ssossosso sad..if only..thts all i deserve right..all i deserve is the "if only"s
ahh..
whatever..
toodles anyway..see you around..
cheer up tolley..it doesnt matter u din get the trophy for cleerleading..wad matters is everyone(tht ive heard frm)thought u all were the winners..yay!!
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Saturday, February 28, 2004
today was e.v.e.n.t.f.u.l.
we went sci centre..and i was embarrassed down right in frnt of 4/4 4/5 4/6..but then agin..it was fun..i was volunteerED to go down for an experiment and to get electro..but it was funn and i was pretty game for it..just tht i let out a scream..cause i din kno i would feel it so sharply..the bus ride waasnt tht funn..it was kinda...dry..not tht usual screaming and stuff..but i would say the journey there was funn larh..at least it was ONLY our class onboard..
yes..o's results are out..were..i experienced so many things today..the pressure and anxiety sharp in the air b4 our hmt classmates collected their results..the jubilation..the saddeness..the uselessness..the utterly rotten feeling..all rolled into one big bunn..
the hmt girls frm my class were like crying before the results were out..for God knoes why..ahh..prolly too excited..even i failed to rubb my nonsense onto them..like i din succeed in relaxing the tense atmosphere..though i made a big fool out of myself..pretending to be a candidate running for elections standing on the raised platform..but yarh..failure larh..then they went in..the next thing i heard was our dear naidu..screaming..in jubilation??in surprise??i dno..but it was s.h.a.r.p..then my fren came out..im the one..the oonly one who got a three..she said it to my face since i was the nearest..i just din kno wad to say..then she went to naidu..her closest fren in my class??and said she was the one with the three..i guess naidu still pretty much had her head in the clouds..i looked after my fren..she walked away after naidu failed to register..i ran after her..only to add to my own misery..i had nothing to say to her..no wrds of comfort..no wrds of consolation..jus blank..i had my hand drapped over her shoulders..but i din kno wad to say..i let the others ramble on abt how it was alright..and shit..but i found i couldnt agree..how could it ever be okay..how can it ever be alright..how can u ever tell a fren its alright when it obv isnt..if u have no other wrds of consolation..dnt say it..dnt ever say its alright..it isnt..it never wiill..untill she comes to it herself..if she ever..and i realise how much i suck as a fren..i had no wrds for her..no wrds to offer the minimal comfort..and all i could do was to stand there..staring after the backs tht escorted her away...telling her everythings alright..
then came the girls wailing..crying..hysterically..for their a1s..how ironical..the one who din make it..i didnt even hear a cry frm her..but yet..the ones with a1s..were crying hugging hugging..sick of all the happiness left in the air..i headed for the drinks store..and not to my surprise..i didnt find wad could drown out my senses..i opted for a coke light and managed hobbling with my feelings..i realise..how can u ever celebrate..when ur fren doesnt have the right to??then i also realise..admist all the confusion..all the self reprimandings..i was wishing and hoping..i knew who i wanted to be like..i wanted to be like naidu..screaming in jubilation..screaming infor wad was thought as impossible..maybe it wasnt the case for naidu...but i want it to be tht case..impossible becoming possible..but then again..was the situation naidu was in the one i wanted??to be denied of celebration..because you never have the mood to celebrate when all u are feeling is saddness for ur fren..
today..gave me a different outlook of life..ooh well..impossibles can always turn into possibilities..and my impossibility will definitely turn into a possibility if i do my best..leaving the rest to God..
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Friday, February 27, 2004
again spelling mistakes..grammer..tneses..ahh..this is so fustrating..
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Thursday, February 26, 2004
hahahahahah..okayy..tht was entirely nonsensical..i guess it just was wad i was feeling right then..like sat is sportsday..we havent got a chance to prac our relay event as a team yet..this is really last min shit mann..i never ran in a race like tht before..but the pressure and stress rocks..im like on the verge of having a nervous breakdown..everything's piling on me..but ultimately..IF i make it through..wont it be a great accomplishment??wad if i fall down in the middle of the race??woah lau..tht would be damn embarrassing..like ma lu...but yarh..trust in the Lord with all your heart..in this sense..i should just trust Him for us to do well..and grabb tht bloody medal..yea~~teeheex..im so proud of myself..i did my homework today!!!clapclapclap....i feel really bad for all the procrastinating and shit..now i kno ive gotta stop..jing re shi jing re bi..correct??i should guess so..yayayayayay!!!!i need to speak more chi mann..even if it means i become a cheena pok..i cant fail my chi o's!!!!!its a nono..more like a1 is a yesyes..but..ahh..ive still got homework not completed..but..i deserve to be cut some slack!!!!!!i did physics pt..and amaths hmw tht was due yest..so ahh..there..i did my work!!!!sat is sportsday..sportsday is on sat..i cant help it..we just must nail tht bloody medal..we must we must we must!!!!!!
ooh..i just realise..when i looked at myself in the mirror just now..i got a shock..its like..all this while ive been looking at my mirror..my brown hair and broad shoulders never stood out so much to me..i realise the decolourisation of my hair by the chlorine frm swimming had changed my once-black-hair brown..i think none of my friends actually saw me with my black-black hair before..and my shoulders..they arnt genectically passed down..it was frm the freestyle and crap..i realise how much i miss swimming..all th competitive swimming and nonsense..its been a long time since i swam..and by swim..i dnt mean trashing ard in the water..trying to drown my friends..no..if thts the case..ive been swimming..i mean hard-core swimming??okayy..im not saying im damn fast or wad shit..but..i used to train intensive..and now..my arms must have turned flabby..the faint imprint in my skin reminds me of my swimming costume!!!!!ahhhh!!!!im very fair now..since i too happen to decolourise very fast..by decolourise..i certainly dnt mean it in chem sense..bby which i turn white-white..or for tht matter transparent..i used to be brown!!!!or chao da??yarh..but its all gone..i feel very much to swim again..competitive..but tht would mean long days..sun tann lotion..*yuck*..swimming cap!!!!!shit..the thought of trainning intensive again is such a turn off..maybe i should just carry on dreaming..i'll most prolly finish a lap in 5 mins!!!ohh my..thts damn slow..but swimming is like running..u need stamina..and come stamina..u need to train..so dammit!!!!!ahhhh!!!i miss swimming..at least when u sweat it gets washed off??then noone would scream at you for having b o..but of cos they'll still shunn u cos u reak of chlorine!!!!ahh..wad delima...ohh ohh ohh..when u swim..u sweat like mad..and ur sweat gets mixed in the water..and other pples sweat gets mixed in the water too..and tht indirectly means u are swimming in highly diluted sweat!!!!AHHHHH!!!!okayy..i might have just changed my mind abt swimming..but then again..maybe not..ehh..but have you ever occassionally accidentally gulped swimming-pool-water??ooh mann..it hapens when friends try to drown u..ooh mann........i jus remembered..assholes pee in the pool!!!!!!!!!AHHHHH!!!!OKAYY..IM JUST PURELY TRYING TO DISSUADE MYSELF FRM SWIMMING..AND I THINK I'VE SUCCEEDED..but..then again..the fun tht comes along..like fooling the life guard..getting thrown out cause uve peeved them off..maybe..i should just stick to missing swimming larh..then at least one day i'd go back and swim again..by tht..now i mean..trashing in the water..playing dead..drowning each other..and of cause..holding ur breath..pitting against each other..untill u turn purple..yea..okayy..tht sounds a whole deal better..so ahh..wad the heck!!!!
see you pple in sch tmr..
we're going to the sci centre!!!lets just hope we wont be called margarets..
ahh
nightynight..
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Thursday, February 26, 2004
dang gao lao sai jia chue jiam man..okayy my han yu ping ying sux..but..loosingly translated..in hokkien it means..to find the toilet only when ure on the verge of shitting..tht means..last minute wrk!!!!!!ive gtg..
toodles..take care
smuacks..
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Thursday, February 26, 2004
i spent half my life wondering if pple get me or not..whether they understand me or not..i guess most of the time..no..i dno..but ive made many discoveries during this period..my mind operates in a very different way than most of the population..i dnt exactly think its a good thing..i kinda feel stupid most of the time..cause pple cant explain things to me in a normal human way..and jus as..however quick i can grasp the concept logic or wad there is to understand..i cant help u all..cause u'll prolly not understand me anyway..i guess one of the plus points are tht i can come up with alot of crap..and jus crap through dreading moments..brooding moments..but im not sure i wana crap through life..i guess..i should say it doesnt matter..since so long as God understands what the hell im trying to say..its good enough..but then again..i wish i could say tht for my o's as well..and then AGAIN..maybe its jus my eng..i guess another of the evidence is tht i never kno wad i want..cause wad i want is not wads commonly wanted..and i constantly get it mixed up with wad is commonly wanted and therefore end up in a total loss abt wad i want..(in this case..wad im trying to say..)and i guess another of the many evidence is tht i guess a lot of guesses..i keep guessing my way through..i guess its cause to me life's a guessing game..theres always the risk of guessing the wrong guesses..but yet tht's wad makes life fun..like guessing wrongly..and then ure gona die for ur silliness..stupidity and all..isnt it fun to be on the verge of death but spring up all of a sudden??i like sudden things..thts wad life is abt..so SUDDEN..thts wad i love abt life..nothings ever certain..except i guess..death..and now im guessing tht u might be guessing tht for all my guesses..i might be promoting for Guess..but then again..i guess my guesses can be wrong since guessing means i dont kno the definite ans??right now im really wondering..wad am i living for..no its not for guessing..i mean wad am i doing with life..is dance really the direction i want to be heading for??like..it seems to me..the only thing tht im really interested in ballet now is accomplishing the impossible..like i kno now i can manage a tripple..but now im aiming for a four..is tht possible..i kno with God all things are possible..then lets put our hands together and invite Him down to turn for us..im sure he'd turn so fast..tht no one would be able to see Him..(sounds familiar??like how i suggested tht beebs cel and myself turn round so fast outside class so tht even if mrs lee were to come by..she wont see us??)He'd be so stable..He'd be turning continuously..in fact if He were to put everything down and just turn..He could in fact just turn forever without stopping..but then again..He is o-present..and i bet He could billion-task..so yeah..(ehh cool..can u imagine God nursing ur emotional pains and turning at the same time??)okayy..i think i loss track jus tht teeny weeny bit..yarh back to my point..i think all im interested now in ballet is to push myself to the brim..till i tip over..to see where my brim lies..sadistic??no..i mean..ive come to a point where i dnt dance for leisure anymore..its like..to outdance..maybe it doesnt happen in my class..but yarh..and even if i were to go pro..it'd only be to prove tht there is no end to my capabilities unless of cause i break my leg..but then again..if i ever embark on tht route..i dnt think a broken leg would stop me since wad i set out to achieve was to show, prove..there is no extent my capabilities..and then again maybe i should jus enlist too..in NS..and prove tht i can be guy if i want too..and then no one will laugh tht i wana join water polo..but i kno if i get enlisted..i wont come out like alicia frm survivors(check out her legs and her oh-so-feminine tone)i'll prolly turn out like hercul if i get enlisted since i like extremes..yarh then i can knock the wind out of u pple..YAY!!wad abt my studies..ive realised tht there is no assurance for me anymore..i used to like write out the subj tht i could slack alittle for my prep for os..but all the tests with been sitting through..proved how much ive forgotten!!!!then how?i dnt wana start studying so early..i dnt wana live life like tht..but if i swing my os..then my safety net would be venturing into pro dancing..maybe a decade down..u might see me on crutches..or maybe in a wheelchair..or maybe bedridden..yea??i dno.....i seem to have forgotten my main point..ahh..thanks to my childish and stupid imagination..i guess i'd have to cont with wad i had started out on another time..
a different point..today during chapel..the guy who was sharing..(poor thing i couldnt even rmb his name..)said..although sorry is free..its the hardest word to say..in tht kinda sentence structure..i disagree totally..sorry is never the hardest word unlike how tht irritating song goes..if u are sincere abt apologising..it is never the hardest..even if it means repeating the wrd so as to get the other ones forgivness..unless ure insincere abt it..i think getting to be sincere abt apologising is the hard part..meaning the period where u are trying to be forgiving..not saying sorry..if u mean it..okayy..yet again..im worried tht im incomprehensive..but aye..im too lazy..
my entire entry does not have a direction at all..so heck larh..
God bless..
Jesus loves you..
i love you too..
smuacks*
toodles..
n
i
g
h
t
y
n
i
g
h
t
!!!!!!!!!!
screams..
VEEEEEEE KAAAAAAAYYYYY!!
van kang
v k
vanessa kang
vanessa k
kang vanessa??
kang v
ahh what the hell..being lame..yeapyeap..see you..
toodles..
byee.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Wednesday, February 25, 2004
beebs..im really damn honoured tht im ur fren then..since u say frens rock..tht means i rock!!!!yea~~
okayy..i seem to keep coming online this few days..dno..nothing to do..okayy..not nothing to do..but dont feel like doing..feel..its all abt feeling right??
i dno..but i think tht love for family is like instilled in u since birth..no matter how pissed off u may get with ur family members..underneath it all..i still believe theres love..i dno..thts my opinion..
i guess..i started to develope this thinking tht frens suck cause of what ive been through..in my pri sch days larh..and lower sec..i thinkk..maybe u havent been through wad i have..thts why i may seem mean(??)to say tht frens suck..or maybe u have..but..i believe same things have different impacts on pple..and its easier for extremes to cross way over to the other extreme..u see..i used to think the wrld of frens..loving them even if they dnt love me back..willing to do anything..seriously..it sounds so cliche..so fake..but its not..i used to have them closest to my heart..sometimes even over my family..but things change..circumstances force u to change..okayy..maybe there will be some assholes saying "no i wont change.."if thts the case then i was the one affected..i was deeply affected..like..once bitten twice shy..being cut to deep???being used..wont u get sick of tht??
i dnt wana bring up wad happened in pri sch days..ive forgotten most of it anyway..though it affected me..okayy..lets just bring up the sec 2 thing..im sure beebs..u kno who i mixed with in sec 2 and wad kinda shit i got into..do u think tht after tht experience..all the more i have the reason..to think tht frens suck..okayy u may say its not fair to judge after just one incident..but tht was just one of the many..its all abt choices in this case..
if u had been in my situation..prolly u will too think like me now..prolly..but if u are me..you definitely would..cause thts the way im thinking now..
no doubt..no doubt at all..sec 3 and sec4..(we're halve way through)has been the greatest years in my life considering frenships..but do u think these two years..can change the mentality i have adoptedafter tht what..8++ years??what are the odds..im not saying..its impossible..but what are the possibilities??when o's have caused best of frens to be pit against each other..when everyone just gets wrapped up in studying mugging studying..im not saying u all are incompetent to change this mentality of mine..just tht..yarh..what are the odds??at the end of the day..im not saying its because u..may current frens..suck because u suck..but cause..cause of what i went through..(sounds so tormenting..like im a victim of abuse or something)
yarh..i would like to lightly touch on the impossibilities and nought..i kinda figured..if u think tht something tht doesnt happen only further supports the fact tht it is impossible for tht something to happen..ure wrong..basically cause with God all things are possible..but the fact tht it didnt happen..might just be cause..God didnt have it in His plan for you..there is nothing God cannot do..but He can not do something simply cause He has His reasons..okayy..maybe tht wasnt phrased properly..but yarh..hope u get what i mean.
hey beebs..take care of ur throat okayy??see you..
God bless everyone..
toodles..
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Tuesday, February 24, 2004
sigh. having a real bad sore throat. Anyway, i guess what i want to say is that I think God has given me a gift. In leiu of what veekay said bout loving this friend and blah blah.. yeah, i think God has given me this gift to love. its totally worlds apart from having the gift of love, but i wont go into it. basically all i wanted to say is that I thank God for it. cos I love my family, i love my friends although its most probably unrequited but, what the heck. i love my nation(not).. my bro's gonna be enlisted into army soon, then it'll be extremely quiet at home and there'll be no one to crap ard at the dinner table. sigh, as the date draws near, then i'll dwell on it. yeah.. many things haave been happening in school lately, much emotions were evoked, much revealed, whatever it is.. im sure it'll not last for long right?? im hoping it wont.. but nevermind, people have different mentalities. one man's meat may be another man's poison. so, its okay.. i guess. what is there to do anyway? you cant make someone like you if the someone doesnt right?? so.. that's the harsh realities of human nature for you. so, God bless and with some words from the Bible..
"how can you love me, whom you have not even seen, when you dont love your brother(not ur bro in the real sense) whom you have seen?" -God.
love always,
bev
(p.s. friends,you rock. love you guys=p)
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Tuesday, February 24, 2004
i am gona forget!!!!!yay!!!ive set my heart on it so yea..it'd prolly help if i get amnesia..
let me ask you a ques..will u continue lovin someone evn if ur love doesnt get reciprocated??or even if..theres no possiblilities only impossibilities??*i am not talking abt boy girl love..cos this doesnt apply..or does it??i dno..how'd i kno..*anyway..issit fair if u love a fren..in a fren_ly way..but the feelings dont get reciprocated..then wads the point in loving..okayy im not like pple out there who says they can love for no reason..if i wana love somebody..i want to get love back..thts all i ask..no need prada gucci or fendi..so i dont see why i should continue loving my dear fren(in a fren-ly manner cos im certainly certain..positively positive..sure-re than sure could ever be..am straight)since she doesnt love me or treasure me the way i do..issit fair??i dnt think so..i do things for a reason..so i wont love if i dont get love back..do u all even comprehend??i dno..i kno if anyone of u rmb..ive touched on loving Jesus for a reason thing..i may seem to be contradicting myself..i dnt love Jesus for a reason..in a sense..i dnt love Him for the eternal life im promised..i love Him cause He made me..cause He promises love so great i'll never have to hurt because He's not loving me..i'll never have too..okayy..lets put it this way..i love Him for a reason..but not for something in return..but loving others..be it frens..persons..a person..i do it for something in return..just for love back..is tht really too much to ask??or issit simply its cause its loving me..i dno..i hope its not the latter..but even if it is..im determined not to change..cause human love is never worth losing who i really am..
seldom have i ever let frens affect me..but this time ard..its seems like its making a big impact on me..frens never seemed to mean so much to me..untill u came along..they dont mean much still..but definitely..more than wad they used to measure up to..im not saying i dnt treasure my frens..just tht..when it comes to piorities..yupp..dnt wana say where they come in..but..yarh..now im quite certaint..some of u will think maybe its you..dont worry..if ure not sure its u..its not you..the person will kno..and..hahah..dnt try to convince yourself its you..cos ure unsure..dnt worry..its not you..you havent been tht mean to me..and u all dnt mean tht much as she does..i hope u all didnt take tht sentence as demeaning or what the hell..its jus to tell u..if ure not sure..its not u..cause..she knos who she is..conscience pricks..
to someone else:your friendship is all i ask for..i think i might have mixed tht up..but i kno..ur frenship is wad i'll never gain..thts wad makes it more enticing..its human nature..alas..like beebs said..with God everything is possible..i kno beebs said..and the bible says..:with God nothing is impossible..but everything is possible makes me..feel more secure..ahh..what the heck..so YAY!!!!!
ahh..balet laterr..SIAN!!!!!!!!!
vee..kayyyy
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Tuesday, February 24, 2004
my gums are swollen..feeling rotten..i think my teeth's chipped..but then again..maybe ive got a fishbone stuck in my tooth..
im hurting bad but u dnt kno..how fair is it tht i should hurt while u kno not??why should i keep harping??tell me..im screaming at u to tell me..ure wondering off..without a care left for me..so why should i hurt so bad for u??i dnt see the logic..but i cant help it..i really cant..i wana stop thinking..i want to stop harping..but i cant..im hurting bcos of u..u are such an ass..ahh like what the hell..
im seriously bored..theres nothing to do..i dnt wana clear up my hmw..i dont feel like doing anything much..nothing except sit here and think and imagine..the impossibilities becoming possibilities..
u'll be leaving soon..i haven got the time to tell u..to talk to u..to see u..though im seated here..stoning..i dno..i guess it all works up to courage..ive got none of tht..i dno if i should be apologising for tht..sigh..sigh seems so..so.. lack of vocab..or maybe theres jus nothing i wana put in wrds ..nothing i can put in wrds but so many things to be penned??huh??kinda loss myself there..ahh what the..sian..ballet tmr..why??why sian..arnt i supposed to be excited??estatic??then why??why..why..why........why what..what was my ques in the first place..theres only one reason why im so -moronfied-shitified-sianfied-assholefied-if there actually are such wrds..the only reason is u..because u are such an ass..the more contact..the more pain..shit u..shit u..shit u u freaking SHITTER!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!1111
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!1
I WANA SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT..I WANA SCREAM AWAY ALL MY ANGUISH..HOW IS THT POSSIBLE..WHY CANT I SCREAM..WHY DO U EXPECT SO MUCH OUT OF ME..WHY MUST I BE WEIRD IF I SCREAM..I FEEL SO RESTRAINED..I CANT BREATHE PROPER..WHY??WHY?!?!?!?!?!WHY MUST U SCOLD ME FOR MY SCREAMING..I REALLY NEED TO SCREAM..SCREAM IT ALL AWAY..BUT SCREAMING WONT GET ME WAD I WANT..WHY???WHY??WHY??WHY??WHY??WHY??WHY??WHY??THIS IS NOT HELPING..U ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE..URE THE SOLE REASON..I WISH I COULD SCREAM..BUT AT WHAT COST..I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DIE FRM KEEPING IT ALL IN..hah..i cant take it..every ** takes away the pain..the fustration..the irritation..i wana self inflict so bad..but its wrong..why is the right keeping me down..its killing me..its a sin..so wad??so wad..shit it..but i wont do it..im not gona self inflict..cause i want myself to hurt..to feel the heat frm not being able to self inflict..hahahah van..u cant hurt urself..ure sucha LOOOO-SER!ass it..ass itass it!!!!AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!I WANA SCREAM SO SHARP IT HURTS ALL UR EARS..I WANA DO IT SO BADLY..BUT I CANT..IM SO PATHETIC..I SO AM..SHIT..SHIT SHIT SHIT..
i dnt feel so shit now..call it mood swings or wadd..need to take some time off..its bcos of u..i shant rmb ever..maybe because i can reach therefore im hurting like shit..hey it rhymes!!!okayy wadeva..now im feeling bad for all the nonsense..
ive gotten into the habbit of erasing a lot after typing before posting..all this started bcos i hate being exploited..
ahh..cant slp..sch tmr..shit..but theres not gona be tests..so ahh well.i'll prolly swing my tests anyway..so what the hell..ahh..
bbye
nightnight
v
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Monday, February 23, 2004
I dont wanna interprete anything,but i kinda know whats happening. Ahh.. whatever. I'd still go with ignorance. and i would agree that ignorance is bliss cos you'll see life as a perfect place. one little perfect happy place. As for me, i would admit that my world is not in the least little,perfect or happy. heh.. foolish me, i had thought it was for a period of time. But as the mind matures and you're a step closer to meeting God, it dawns on u that life sucks. thats so cliche.. i know. but it does. thats looking being pessimistic for you. Thankfully with the help of circumstances, yyour mind perceives things in a different light.. then you'll slowly realise that life can actually be great, its just how you make it out to be. As for me, i seem to be suspended between the two, currently leaning towards the latter. Probably in a whilst time, i'll figure that life rocks. okay, i do not make any sense at all. im losing my mind cos im so distracted. i basically dont understand myself and i dont understand my understanding.. its just the same like the inability of ur teeth to bite itself.. okay, i'm really not making any sense just like I never did. All I want to say is that im going to prove you wrong. you said that you'll be happy if im happy and all that reverse psychology shit. let me tell you,its working and its having momentarily effect on me. However, sad to say, it only lasts for less than a spilt second, it starts to fizzle out then poof, its gone. Contrary to that, i believe my mind has been inclined to all your rantings and i'm sure something's working.. something's storing, something's changing and something's manifesting.. it'd better anyway. oh, my resolution for the new month of march is to forget you. And im determined to do so, i'll go whatever length there is to be taken to achieve that goal although im very sure that some pain, anguish and suffering would be involved. just like the products formed after a reaction, i'd need a catalyst and i hope you guys will tell me to wake up from my wistful thinkings and stop wasting precious time on something as impossible as the sun rising on the west.. so, yeah. God bless me in my journey to a lifetime of bliss.. hehe, this rocks. im beginning to think that life is as good as it seems, and we should just bow to the inevitable that no one leads a perfect life. hah, i guess im the model specimen for that theory. ye, "be contented with what you have.."thanks emm and eunice.. but thats kinda difficult for me, in fact, very. human nature has it that you cant be contented with what you have, you can never rest on your laurels, you must strive to be the best for the best is yet to be. okay, at least i was born in that atmosphere, that tense competition and immense pressure. yeh, my brother got that and im going to get it cos we both inherited the same genes from my very intelligent parents, so there's no difference. ive got what you've got. so, thats basically the only thing i can draw contentment, assurance and motivation from. ehh, im slipping away, like the sand to the tide, losing every ounce of life within, losing every form of dignity, conscience, discretion of right from wrong. my world is one blur screen. everything im seeing is slowly yet evidently fading into nothingness, mental torture is the worse form anyone could suffer from. i draw admiration from my noble mother. she's probably the worst victim of it all. ahh, id better stop here. no one is understanding a single shit from this.. so, the bottom line is that.. with God nothing is impossible, and guys, have comfort in this simple yet powerful truth. yea. Thankyou all for listening to all that I have said. *bow* I'll end with, the best is yet to be.. yea,im aspiring to get into that jc, those of u who are familiar with that motto. So.. persevere on, my comrades for the time has yet to come. but, my comrades, i believe we will reap bountiful harvests.
God bless.
Dr. Beverly Wong (sorry, but i wanted to see how it appeared like.. dont mind me=p)
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Monday, February 23, 2004
my coms back..not exactly rejoicing..i think it came back worse than before..anyway..wanna buy a new desktop..wana buybuybuy..
psst beebs..i jus tagged.......if u get wad i mean.....
im beginning to feel its time to move on..time to let go..time to see things in a different light instead of insisting on the opp of wad seems to be staring straight at me..its time to put things down and not let you hinder my advancement..yeap..its time for a lot of things..but the thing is..can i do it or not..can i bear to..
im beginning to hope tht u would cry..i used to think tht i wouldnt want u to cry..but..not crying doesnt equate to not hurting..i really wish u'd start bawling..now i dno wad ure feeling..i dno how to help u..i dno if i should feel sad too..are u hurting??are you??why arnt u crying then??i wish i could make things easier..but do u even want my help??do u even want me to share ur pain..i wish u'd tell..but u wont..cos u wana be strong..talk to me..tell me..
now im certainly not talking abt a fren..ive come to a conclusion tht all frens suck..im sorry..but i jus happen to think tht wayesp frens like u..whereby u does not refer to one fren..but probab;y two..cause maybe only u two were wad i considered frens..weresigh..but then again i do..maybe there are more than two..and im being the wrld's greatest hypocrite now..cause tmr..i'll be in sch..laughing with u..laming with u..ooh well..i dno..
i am so tempted to scream the -f- at my fingers now since they keep pressing the wrong buttons and missing this and tht..but yarh..i shall not resort to vulgarities but rather violence..
oohh..
michael jackson rocks!!!!!totally..he's the wrld's best dancer and singer..i cant help it..pple used to laugh at wad i said..abt me supporting mj..but yarh..i got used to it..and now..since ive found another one who thinks hes the ultimate too..it gets better..
and the media is certainly getting cocked -up..why spend time on pple like william hung??are they worth the pages of the newspaper??or are they jus reporting wad pleases the pple..i dno..ple who ridicule themselves..go to the extent of throwing their pride away..
and my dear..pple wont pay u for ur time..cos ure just the joke of the century..ure jus one of those tongue in cheeks..though not witty..i'd rather watch under one roof if i needed to be entertained..but then again..their dry jokes dnt measure up to ur stupidity..but at least they arnt tht dumb..ahh..
another point..if i could choose the way to die..i'd rather die withh dignity..i wldnt want to die incapable of thinking..incapable of taking care of myself..like wad our sm or pm said..he wouldnt visit hes frens who cant reco him anymore..cos theres no point in it anymore..so yeap..how it links with how i die..i dno
theres chi and amths test tmr..but ive not studied at all..cos ive been busy..with a certain ceremony..if u kno wad ceremony it is..i'd appreciate if u'd jus shut up abt it..thanx
o's this yaer..chi o's at the end of may..are u fretting yet??im not..i hope i'd start to..
vank
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Sunday, February 22, 2004
im beginning to lose interest in ballet..i dno..maybe its jus the mood swings..but i guess the teachers playing a part too..im getting irritated with u..ure stepping on my tail too many times..i dno..maybe its jus the momentary low..
i jus realise tht when u get all emotional or jus to wrapped up with ur typing..everythg will come out wrong..grammer..tense and wad nought..ahh wadeva..
never thing u can trust anyone..some pple jus wish to exploit ur secrets to satisfy their curiosity..why did i ever think anyone on earth could be trusted..im not some troubled teen..tht hates the shit out of the wrld..im not..in fact i love life..i dnt wana die..but will keeping things in kill u??i should stop being a blabber mouth..i cant even trust myself..i cant keep my secrets in..i need to tell it to someone..but..isnt tht human??but the booboo is tht..noone can be trusted..how'd u kno tht ur fren wants to hear u cause she wants too..and not cause shes jus curious??i fell like sealing my lips..so noone would hear..my silent scream..i wana keep things in..so all wont kno how embarrassing i am..why cant i do tht..wont it be a lot better if i jus kept it all in then tell it all out???even if it means tht i could die??i guess it is..rather than be exploited of ur feelings..tht u hold so dear..i dno..i really should shaddup..but wont tht mean im never gona come up here and blog ever??i dno..i seem to not kno a lot of thgs..
i hate being given false hopes..dnt tell me im smart..dnt tell me i can dance..dnt u think tht i should kno me better??i cant dance for shit..dnt fool me..i wont make it big..dnt come tagging on the board "vanessa darlin..u can dance..u are smart"i din ask for ur shit comments..so learn how to shut up..i'll most prolly end up bumming ard..for the rest of my life..dnt give me false hope cause then..ure the one who'll drag me down..holding on to the lies youve given me..(funny ahh..holding on to a broom..thinking..hey..i can go to hcjc..i can make it as a prof dancer..at the ripe old age of 89)
in fact..im wondering bout my physics test..feels good..but i dno..prolly too stupid to pass sec physics..must have swung it..
i think im psycho..definitely..i jus love self inflicting pain..no..thts not cutting..im not so stupid to leave scars on my beautiful body(rightt)..wadeva..maybe if i told myself im smart..repeatedly..i'll believe it jus like how i told myself im going to ITE and started weeping..im psycho....
ahhhh!!!!!!!
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Friday, February 20, 2004
It came back again and haunted me, just this morning.. I thought i saw someone like him in the bus. The thing is that, i already saw that guy's face. BUt when i sat down behind him, I realised that he looked exactly like him from the back. exactly. that hair, that tan, that profile.. it was then till i realised how much i missed him. this sounds weird but i do. I'm perfectly sure that this feeling is unrequited.. perfectly sure. So, i prayed in the bus for God to take him away. take all those hurting thoughts away, i just wanted to forget him, forget that he ever existed, forget that amount of hurt and pain he inflicted upon me.. if given a chance, i'd rather never see him again. but, part of me still wistfully wishes that I will and blah blah.. (which is totally impossible). its FRIDAY today! which means its SATURDAY tomorrow, which means the funfair is tmr. which means that i've got a chance to see him tmr. chance. However,ive got this strong feeling that i wont be able to, cos ive been hoping i will. and the thing is that when you hope something happens, it doesnt happen. It only happens when u least expect it to. so, i dont think i'll see him there. AHHH! im going crazy.. this sucks. even if i do see him there, nothing will happen. i'll only be able to glance at him from afar.. and i'll go all out to avoid meeting him face-to-face. note the word avoid. i seriously wont know what to do if i meet him facetoface. i'll probably just faint. so, yeah.. i hope i dont see him there. but i hope i do... this sucks. anyway, since i already handed all these crap to God, im sure GOd will bring to me whatever He deems is best for me.. so, i've got a good suggestion to do for the time being.. just chill..
-chilling
bev.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Friday, February 20, 2004
L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L.L LAME!!!!!!!!!!
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Thursday, February 19, 2004
i came to post..but i darent to do so..
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Thursday, February 19, 2004
GO AWAY VANESSA!
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Wednesday, February 18, 2004
man. Today was bad, I screwed up the presentation and did so badly, it was extremely fast that no one could catch what i was saying. NO ONE. ahh! we practised damn hard for it, at leasdt i did. Did I? I recited the speech over a million times in my head.. and i ended up screwing it up. what the hell is wrong with me??? everything. im bloody useless. proving that, we got our amaths test paper back, and what the hell? I did so badly. So so so so so so so badly.. ahhh!! i need help.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Wednesday, February 18, 2004
i do not kno who are you....WHO THE HELL IS PRAT..
okayy..my coms gone..(yay good riddance)..ahh whatever..i dno wad am i doing here her in the com lab here..and ive come to a conclusion tht i am a influencer..not to be bigg-headed or whatever..or one of those self proclaimed trend setters..or whatever larh..dnt wana elaborate and rattle on and on and on..but i realise i tend to influence pple easily..or maybe they are jus easily influenced..like take for example..bloody hell..my so called identity crisis..and talking to someone when it seems im talking to no one in particular..sounds familiar??well at least uve seen people blog like tht here..people is not equal to person..okayy im not expecting anyone to understand this at all..but maybe things arnt tht terrible..huh??!!(yes i kno i type very loudly)okayy i kinda loss track of wad i intended on intending..im getting really confused with myself..i actually dnt kno why am i doing here..okayy..sounding stupid..i feel as if everyone is looking at me because im typing too loudly when noone gives a hoot bout me here..insignificant again huh...ahh whatever..
but dnt u actually see tht if u see wad i mean it actually means uve been here hearing wad i have to mean??okay..talking meaning what the hell..does my entry even seem it has a direction??no i dnt think so..but am i actually thinking??
to beebs..i kno ure posting now..and i kno u think u screwed up todays entire presentation in front of the whole sch..but like ive said..in frnt of the whole sch..dammit..are u listening??in fact i think i kno wad ure saying..
"man. Today was bad. i screwed up the presentation and did so badly......."see!!i kno wad u are thinking..like i kno wad u did last summer?????okayy..shit..getting hype..
ahh whatever..
beebs stop giving me false hopes okayy??i kno ure jus trying to be my fren..u are indeed a very treasured fren..though i fail to understand why i share the same spot with another girl..okayy..tht was stupid..but yarh..ah wadever..kinda losing sense of wad im talking abt..never had sense to begin with anyway..
estatic..
its never possible..
its jus someone else dammit~!!!!!!
WHOA LAU!!!!!
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Wednesday, February 18, 2004
This is TLB here.
TLB wants to say something stupid.
TLB doesn't remember how she became a Christian, and is feeling stupid.
AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Beebs, i remember you saying this last year.
"How would you feel, if Jesus came back during CLass. And only you and I were raptured, and nobody else"
So many people, so little time.
To quote my friend
"Pray and fast abt it..and lay tears for them in front of God, He will answer you. For those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy, carrying the sheaves with them.."
What does that mean?
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Celestebelieves with God; everything's alrite.Wednesday, February 11, 2004
OK.. WHO DO I THINK I AM.
I AM AN ABSOLUTE PRAT.
I HAVE NOT BEEN SEEING THINGS FROM BEEBS POINT OF VIEW.
OR THE MAJORITY'S POINT OF VIEW FOR THAT MATTER.
I AM SORRY FOR CAUSING DISCORD.
Thank goodness it didn't affect you ppl's relationships with each other.
So as an absolute prat*, i apologise.....
Please please please please dun say that i'm saying this for some reason or other, like because i'm jealous of ur harmony or whatever (because ur harmony is nothing to be jealous about :P :P) because I realised, i AM a prat, and the more friends you have in life the more likely you are going to have a friend for life. SoRrYyYyYy. SORRY SORRY SORRRRy.
And the more friends you unmake, the more times you're gonna die with a knife in your back.
And What happened to Cell? I have things to say.
I'm sure you know who this is, so i not going to say.
*If you dunno what a prat is, to quote rachel (xie),
"it is a sweet little thing that goes around giving people diabetes." LIE **
**If you know what a prat is, good for you
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Kang Vanessa! you actually posted our conversation.. okay, interesting. yeah, this year has not been a good start for me. Not good, in every aspect. results, personal, blah blah. you know, i wish you never entered my life. you're the cause of all my problems, you're the culprit of all my distractions. i hate you. i wish you were gone. but, i dont want that, i want you ard.. i cant stop thinking of you, im stuck on you. But i dont want to be that way.. AHH! im going crazy.. sheesh. anyway, im not talking bout anyone in particular, am i? or rather, im just not talking bout you, whoever who you are. who are you? i wouldnt know who you are, so how would i know that you would not be who im talking about? cos im sure the who im talking bout wont appear here. why wouldnt the who appear? cos the who just wouldnt appear. why wont who? who just wont! why wont who? who wont! im asking why wont who, like who who? WHO WONT. okay, i get the point.. man, im so jaded, lost all interest in everything.. vanessa, im happy for you, at least you're good in ballet-dancing, dancing-ballet. In fact you're good in so many areas.. me? sigh, dont talk.. so whatever we talked about today(today=tues) during our after school 'heart-to-heart' session, i believe that there's a high chance.. cos nothing is impossible and you're such a wonderful person(beebs,lying is a sin.. I KNOW THAT. and what are you saying? IM SAYING THE TRUTH. you are? I AM. you are? I AM!!) so, yeah, there's a hiGH chance! hee, not like me.. im downright pathetic, i'll probably resort to animals(beebs, its wrong.. WHO CARES).. okay, to some of you, im not making any sense. I AM! i admit, im a little weird.. firstly,im talking(plus arguing) with myself. secondly, im not making sense.(i am! see..) okay, my mouse just died. there's no more batt, and it refuses to move.. so i'll have to keep typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and typi... oh, yes, i want to apologize to emmeline for whatever i did today. I'm deeply remorseful for doing whatever low-down thing i did. although i doubt you'll ever see this, i just want to tel you that im truly sorry and i didnt mean it. yeah.. sigh, i hope you won the tournament. Im sure you did. your school has this legacy of winning everything, but i just hope you did well. im sure you did though, i get it from everyone that you're really talented. my impression of you is somewhat perfect.. perfect person, perfect grades, perfect sport-er, a perfect person(beebs, you already said that. SO?).. sigh, all i can do is send you my well-wishes quietly, why am i doing all this? even though im well aware that you probably arent even aware that i exist. .
beverly.
sorry, ive been so irritating in my entry.. i guess, what u see is what u get?
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Tuesday, February 10, 2004
just dropping by to say hello people.
dont really have much time to blog ya noe. =)
yeapps. anyways, take it easy van and bev..
sharing yet another gd song in church today!
yes i will run to You
to Your words of truth
not by might. NOT BY POWER.
but by the spirit of God.
YES I WILL RUN THE RACE..
till i see your face oh let me live in the glory of Your grace..
shall share something that i feel and i heard..
you noe now since there's the bird flu.. SARS all this kinda thing? hmmm. ive been thinking that GOD IS COMING! and im so happy. yeahhs. anyways.. ezra told me that he was talking about judgement day in school.. when all of a sudden, all the lights blew.. got blackout. =) yeapps. scary. even scarier thing was that.. in classrooms, lights are connected in series form.. but all the lights went out except one in the middle of the classroom. amazing isnt it? like God trying to reach out to us. yeapps. lets run the race togetherrr!! to fight our Os and all that =))))
God is good.. ALL THE TIME. ------- i so agree with this.
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Eunice Ngbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Sunday, February 08, 2004
i am totally falling in love with ballet..ahh..i guess its jus the temporary high again..all because i did my turns proper after the very dreading period of non turnable times..
yes yes uve guess it right..(did you??)im here to B.R.A.G.!!!!!!!!ahahahahahahhaha..
i did successful tripples!!!nehnehninehnehs!!!t.r.i.p.p.l.e.S!!!yessss....SSSSSSSS...TRIPPLE-----SSSSSSSS!!!!meaning more than once..meaning not tai-koh(or however way its spelt)
okayy..enough of turning..turning whilst turning isnt the optimum thing for turning actually..i jus had a rather interesting conv..with non other than beebs..who seems rather baffled at wad im trying to say..but then again..ooh well..goes to show i did my job well..but then again..i cld have irritated her..oh well..try understanding..
hing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
u blogged??
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
im gonna
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
i think
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
yeah
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
im sorry, you'rre wrong
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
dont you realise,its just the both of us doing the blogging?
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
its either you, or me. or you, or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
rightt
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
cos me=you and you=me
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
then, after awhile, itd be me
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
WHAT?
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
NO/
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
yes
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
well since you decided to call urself me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
and i obviously am me to myself
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
so its
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
me or me or me or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
right??
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
no
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
i didnt call myself me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
you did
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
u said u or me or u or me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
unles u meant me as me
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
and you as you
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
but still it'd mean the same right
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
NO it wouldnt/..
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
okayy fine
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
then it'd be you or you or you or you
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
no
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
cos then i'd wana be you too..
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
you and me = different
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
WHAT?
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
and since you wanted to be you
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
no you wouldnt
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
then i want you to be you too
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or you cld still stick to me to be me
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
shit
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me as in you
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
and me as in me
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
Dont start
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
STOP
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
its fine with me you kno..or rather you since you wanted you to be like tht
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
huh?
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
like what?
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
are you asking you to stop
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
im asking YOU to stop
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or is me asking me to stop
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
by you
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
do you mean you or you
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
since you or you are really different pple
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
or me and me for tht matter actually
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
okay..
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
so issit me the's asking me to stop??
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
so you say okay to you..
its my dreams ure laughing at now ,is tht funny?? says:
then wads you supposed to do next
beverly. now that you're near, everything is different.. says:
nothing?
..
now..obvi i must have ticked her off
sigh..i must start being serious since noones actually taking me seriously..but will becoming serious mean losing who i really am??cos i seem to think being not serious for that matter..is actually being who i am..but am i really not serious??okayy now im confused..am i not serious..by tht i mean is my real being..not serious??or is my being not serious just a way of getting pass each day??i dno..do i actually ever kno??sigh..okayy..im starting to hate the wrd-sigh..
okayy..i suddenly dnt feel like blogging anymore..dno why..see you guys ard then..tc okayy??God bless..
toodles
van.
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Saturday, February 07, 2004
kkays..first things firs..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!!
yepp..tht feels better.. sigh..
my heart pines for advancement Lord..but wad can i do if this is the way You want it to be..maybe You dnt want things to be this wayy..ahh..i dno..shitified..
bad week this time ard..3 horrendously horrid tests in one freaking row..darn..emaths was terrible..geog and physics..I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH TIME!!!!sighh..if not i jus could have hit it hard mann..sighh..wad if i dnt get wad i wana get for o's??isit there tht the road ends??i dno wad to do..sighh..i dnt want to live in the shadow of my bro forever..sighh..why am i tressing myself out??i dno..dnt wana burn out before the time comes..dnt wana peak at wrong times..why am i making such a big fuss??is tht wad you wana kno??well i can tell u..im sick and tired of being labelled as Stupid..stupidstupidstupidstupid..im sorry if i cant do it..ahh..noones stressing me except for me..sighh..i kno..the brilliance of brilliance..suicide i take if 6 points i pass..okayy..thts obvi tying me down with one choice..to die??but marh..i dnt wana..but how??i noticed alot of my entries dnt make muchh sense..but..wad can u expect stupid to come up with??u are so intelligently stupid..oxymoron..sighh..howhowhowhowhow.......wad am i supposed to dooooooooo..ms ho wants me to take my exam during my prelims.....ARE YOU NUTS????but then again..a smart person does well for everything..now..im not saying intelligence is measured up with 'not-studying-but-doing-well'..intelligence is indeed a hell lot more..but rmb my entire point??I=STUPID..sighsighsighsighsigh..
yes beebs..yes..i totally acknowlege the fact tht if ure not in the situation..u'll never FULLY understand..ive got nothing to say..seems like even at being a good fren im worthless..sorry..
wait a minute..why am i apologising..ahh wadeva..somethings wrong up here....sighh..i seem to be contradicting all my thoughts..the moment i say it out..(for this matter..type it out)everything takes a180 turn..sighh..ahh..why am i even posting this??i dno..do you kno??do you??do you??crazy..
'when i knock at the door of heaven..Jesus comes..'im sorry..ur names not down here..pls proceed to the next door..'i proceed as told..at the door..i feel immense heat..hands start groping at me..fear ...
to be cont..
van
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Friday, February 06, 2004
During church service yesterday, I felt as though what the pastor preached was totally applicable to me and was what God was trying to tell me. Ever since the year had started, my life had been full of struggles, full of downs (and no ups), even though i had seemed like an always laughing retard on the exterior, i must admit, im totally contrary on the inside. im a lonely person, i dont know why iim putting this down, but yeah.. probably only very few of you bothered, it could be counted on what, two fingers? or maybe even one. but, i mean, i'm not worth being bothered about right? you know, im just so ashamed of myself, like how im ashamed of myself facing God. i know ive got this extravagantly low self-esteem, but sometimes you guys wont understand cos you're not in my position, and its really easy for you'all to say this and that. going back to the point, sometimes, i just dont dare to come into God's presence, that ever so holy presence. I dont feel worthy to, I dont feel worthy to pray, to read His word, cos its where all those confessions come about, all those revelations of what I would suffer in time to come. im not making sense here. Sigh. I want to buy a christian book, but it seems that i cant find one that really applies to me, that what God wants to speak to me about. all that fear of the devil, im a failure. A failure only shuns fear and doesnt stare it in the eye, a failure hides from spiritual warfare, knowing that victory is his when God is there. but why am i still afraid? Despite the countless confirmation from my pastor and from the word of God which says that "greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world" why do i still fear? could it be that im unsure whether God still abides in me, i think so.. I'm uncertain whether God dwells in me, im uncertain whether i'll be meeting God face-to-face in heaven or whether I'll be banished to the burning furnace in hell if i die tomorrow. Im uncertain whether i'll be left behind, im uncertain about every little thing. i feel so foolish now, havent i been foolish all the while? Why cant i accept the simple yet so powerful truth that God loves me?
Every new day
Your glory unfolds
Filling my eyes with your treasures untold
the beauty of holiness
brings worship anew
my greatest love is You
Hold me deeper
into Your grace
the river that flows
from the holy place
wash over me
cleansing me through
my greatest love is You
I really want to say that my greatest love is God, but why does it seem so difficult for me to do so? Lord, i want to want to love You and to love you more, more than I've ever done before.
God bless,
beverly-
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Anonymousbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Monday, February 02, 2004
give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for you Lord
to love and follow heart after you
to love and follow heart after you
to love and follow heart after you
this world is empty poor and pale
compared to knowing you my lord..
(i forgot the lyrics..)
Lord send revival start with me.
for i am one of unclean lips.
(forgot the lyrics again..)
have a blessed "holiday" people.
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Eunice Ngbelieves with God; everything's alrite.Monday, February 02, 2004
